Identity crisis

“What would you like to do?”, My mind goes completely blank. Since when did this become a hard question?

The answer to that was much simpler. The day I became a parent, I stopped making choices for myself. Food is what you have time for, clothes are selected by what is clean, wipeable and allows you up and down off the floor comfortably. Daily plans are adjusted based on the hours of sleep achieved and mood we are in. Make up and hair are done based on time and support you have that day (so most the time a brushing is a privilege).

It’s not even just the above that’s changed, my Spotify produces me daily lists flicking between Disney, tame impala, arctic monkeys and nursery rhymes. My phone advertises bath seats, children’s clothes and sensory toys. If cookies can’t even tell me what I want, it’s not a surprise I don’t know.

I believed by not having my first child until the age of 32, it meant I was emotionally mature enough to not lose my identity. Considering identity is built on profession, likes, dislikes, interests and community, change would be inevitable, all these things are impacted by a dependant.

The first mistake I made was, trying so hard to meet all his needs, I was lost in being a mother. I no longer made any choices for me. I resolved this with a second mistake by trying to recover my identity prioritising all the things I did before a baby, exercising, cooking, dates, socialising and maintaining the house. This led me to feeling exhausted, guilty and not managing any of the tasks well.

I have to admit, I am in a full identity crisis. I don’t recognise my body, it’s constantly changing, even if my waist shrinks, the bum and hips are on strike. I can’t yet balance his needs and mine, somedays I’m a great mum, others I feel guilt for not committing enough time to him. Me and my partner are often in survival mode and time for each other is less. My listening and problem solving skills are so exhausted, that even if I could pay attention, I wouldn’t be able to help.

Nevertheless all is not lost, I’m not losing my identity but rather having an identity shift. I have needed to accept that being a mother is part of my identity. The first year is an in-between period of life, I’m prioritising maternity leave, forming relationships, learning my parenting style and what interests are a priority. All these things are part of shifting my identity and getting closer to feeling emotionally mature again .

For now, I like to be out and about so we go for walks and to groups. I like to be playful so we do crafts, messy play and sing. I’m a foodie so I still prioritise good food. I feel better in nice clothes, with my hair and make up done, so I use my own time to do this.

Lesson learnt:

Be kind to yourself and don’t compare to other new parents. You didn’t all start with the same identity, therefore you won’t finish with the same.

(Parenting on both these pictures, one was a good day for me, one was a great day of parenting)