Developmental leap or lack of sleep.

Newborn sleep deprivation began to show signs of improvement as he consumed larger volumes and could be exhausted by play. You see a glimmer of hope as you get between 5-8 hours sleep overnight.

Around this time people often asked “how is he sleeping?” When you dare to share your exciting news, that you do in fact sleep and you are starting to feel human. Parents with older children, couldn’t wait to say “you wait till the sleep regression”. I don’t know if this is a British or parenting act, but the smiles indicated they took gratification in telling me. This made me think, We never congratulate someone on a new job, by telling them, they will eventually leave that too. We never ask about a wedding by saying, don’t forget you will regret half your guests in a few years. So, why is it normal to meet positivity with a negative statement in parenting?

Subconsciously we know things like babies sleeping well won’t last forever. Due to this we will air on the side of caution, not telling anyone unless asked, go to bed expecting to be woken and live day to day. I have witnessed some parents get so excited they announce their baby is now sleeping through social media, I always look at this dubiously. I have a healthy respect for my baby, he calls the shots and has the ability to change the game at will. With this in mind, the moment sleep regression was mentioned I began to fear it. He was still sleeping 5-8 hours but my google history was showing, what is sleep regression? How can I improve sleep regression? Signs sleep regression has started?

One thing is for certain you will know when sleep regression hits without the need for google. Unlike newborns the disrupted sleep isn’t due to being hungry, needing a fresh nappy or comfort. This disrupted sleep is just caused by a need to do an activity, as though he woke worrying about bills, leading to anxiety he isn’t asleep. My baby still goes 5-8 hours overnight without a feed. However those hours are spent making the noise of a wasp trapped in a glass all, losing his dummy by shoving his own hand in his mouth then aggressively increasing the buzzing until I replace it, he writhes with the aggression of a cat in a bag and then when all this has meant he hasn’t rested, he releases an ear piercing scream in my ear until my body shuts down and I’ve booked a one way flight to Alaska.

To make matters more pathetic it isn’t like the previous developmental stages, he doesn’t make up for it in the day. He only requires 3 hours worth of 20-30 minute naps and needs interaction all day. I’m back to knocking my glasses off the bedside, knocking lamps over, forgetting ingredients when cooking and it took me 3 attempts to get a cork out of a wine bottle.

I need sleep, so like every normal person I have read an obscene amount of research, checking websites and safety advice. The first conclusion I drew is no one has the answer, all babies are so different that even regression, does not have a management plan. The advice was have a bedtime routine, ensure it’s dark to help release melatonin, comfort him but let him self soothe. Then all this advice gets further contradicted with he must sleep in the same room with you until 6 months. The issue was, what can they sleep in until 6 months that can be moved? Second Conclusion drawn is companies, professionals and research are concerned about being blamed for an incident, therefore nothing is deemed safe unless you are watching at all times. For example they get too big for Moses baskets before 6 months, sleep pods make they overheat, co-sleeping can also cause a list of risks and bouncers shouldn’t be used for more than 20 minutes.

So the problem was clear I’m 32 and don’t want to go to bed at 7pm, I do not have a cleaner/chef/butler so sitting in the room is not an option and everywhere other than a cot is unsafe for a nap (I have neither space nor funds to meet this requirement). I mean all of the above makes it impossible to sleep safely, maintain a relationship and rest. This leaves me no choice but to manage my own risks and make decisions for myself (yet you need to lie to a health visitor or risk being advised to stay in the room, leading you to feel overwhelming mum guilt.)

Speaking to fellow mothers, We have all had to stray from the guidance in some way to survive, and we all have our reasons at the ready for why it’s safe. Some parents co-sleep, some use sleep pods and some use monitors. The reason you breached the guidance is you realised the biggest risk to both of you, is you without sleep.

This week made me realise, at the start of parenting I was following all the rules, owned all the equipment and knew all the facts. This hasn’t helped me, the pressure of parenting is a lot to manage and you have to follow your instincts and at times do what is best for both of you. It is scary starting to notice how easily we are set up to fail with guidance. The fear of blame has made it so parents can’t get consistent advice and support from some of the most essential places, and pressure of getting it wrong can cause an overwhelming parent guilt.

As for sleep regression I wonder if parents told me about it in advance, to reassure themselves, they weren’t the only ones. The lack of sleep does bring some positives, he is changing so much during this, looking for us in a room, smiling when he finds us, chattering, awake for all baby groups, reaching for you, stroking your face, holding your hand and rolling toward you.

(Picture is when I’m meant to be asleep at 3am)