Honestly surviving parenting

Lessons learnt at 3 months of parenting

Lessons learnt by 3 months of parenting (a bit late due to Christmas)

Sleep improves – well actually 2-4 hours now feels like your smashing it. You will still be grumpy and trip over but now you tell others “he is sleeping well”
You have stopped googling – the internet lies. Your baby is one of a kind and will do whatever they please. You will do whatever they demand- survival is the most important thing.
Social media is a lovely fantasy, I took a great picture of us smiling. That same day I had 3 hours sleep, he shit through an outfit, I wet wiped sick off his shirt and I let him play with a mushroom because that made him happy (still a good day)
You and your partner start to appreciate each other again – this is because you have realised he is trying to kill you and you must unite to survive
You will now be willing to leave them with anyone that will have them – you can’t do this alone. You made an adorable tiny human but based on using the toilet now needing a diary entry this is needed.
Comparison will kill you – some parents have sleep-but their baby screams with wind, some parents have a cuddly baby-they also feed every hour, some parents have on make up – they also had 4 hours sleep and opted to apply this rather than nap, every parent took a nice picture – they also battled their own point 3. (So f&@k anyone with a perfect profile, they cried in a toilet too)
Smiles from your baby mean you are hilarious. You now get feedback for your struggle. He also likes you more than strangers. Absolutely winning.

I’m tired, I’m confused, I’m anxious as to whether I have done this right, I don’t look after myself and I worry who I am and whether my partner, friends and family still like me. I’m learning to parent.

Lessons I learnt from 8 weeks of parenting

8 weeks of you and the most important things I’ve learnt.

Sleep envy is a real thing. You will feel genuinely annoyance at your partner for sleeping and you will think of ways you could wake them (sometimes this thought will be reality)
Whoever designed babies with the fault that they will become overtired and scream until they sleep, stopping themselves from sleeping – is a dick.
Making mum friends is a lot like dating, who will make the first move?, when is it ok to exchange numbers?, is this long term? Are they looking for the same thing? 🤣
You will seek ways to make your baby sleep longer, However when they do you will wake in blind panic and check for breathing.
Your google search history will now all be questions that you know deep down cannot be answered. How do I get my baby to sleep longer? How much baby vomit is normal? How long is it ok for your baby to not poo for? Is it ok for your baby to poo 6 times a day?
There is something worse than when you baby poos out the sides of their nappy. The dog could then get hold of this nappy and tear it into tiny bits on the sofa 😩
Laundry baskets do not have a bottom even when you buy additional ones.
A baby can sit in a poo without alerting you for a fair amount of time but other times they can scream immediately after and poo three times in an hour
You will not want to leave your baby, but you will feel genuine envy that your partner went to work or the gym. You will on “occasion” inform them of this.
After 8 weeks hormones are still not back to normal – people do not tell you this in advance.

Despite all of the above I am having the best time and loving every minute of you.

Despite the above points, I don’t give my partner enough credit. I have really needed his support to get through all the new challenges. He helps with night feeds where possible and following lots of discussions always tries to match my parenting style. It is really important to talk to them about what you need and ask what they need. This is new and difficult for you both.

Lessons learnt from 1 month of parenting

First ever month of parenting complete.
The most important take home lessons.

You can function on just 4 hours sleep a day (it will be clumsy and you will find hundreds of ways to knock over the same lamp)
You can cry in m&s car park because the car seat is stuck to the buggy (calling your Dad will still be needed).
You will run out of underwear as you have been too busy washing baby clothes. (Don’t worry was quicker to buy more)
Even if a baby has just fed, they will wake to the smell of your dinner/tea and take another 5 ounces (likely to be over a much slower time than if your food/tea was not going cold)
Wet wipes are essential and need to go everywhere with you
A nappy can be soaked and yet you can still be pee,ed on (this may also hit them in the face)
The day you only have one outfit for them, will be the day they can shit through 4 layers (this will also be the day the public toilet is occupied for 20 mins)
Bottles are never made up fast enough, even if you start before they wake up.
Washing and styling your hair is an achievement
Cold coffee is essential

But absolutely loving you and how much you have stolen my world. At this point I am also beyond grateful for my partner and a second pair of hands.

Going home after childbirth

The moment you are told you can leave the hospital was a feeling no one had prepared me for. I was so excited that I had packed up the entire room in 4 minutes- including my partner. We walked out immediately only stopping to take the obligatory door photo, god knows why, I’m hardly going to frame a photo of me after labour and a 5 day admission.

Then I was hit with a sudden awareness, that it was just us and now we were fully responsible for this little man with no monitors or support – my stomach dropped. You demand your partner drive safely, despite the fact he is also nervous and only doing 20 mph. You check they are breathing in the seat 20 times a minute and there is a finger gap between straps – how is it ok we are on our own?

Enter mistake one, you will now proceed to fill the next week with visits and family. They will bring you some helpful items and offer help but let’s be honest you are fumbling your way through and aren’t ready to ask for help. You will be tired by the end of each day as you did not rest, you will feel like you didn’t have enough hugs (with the baby) and everyone will have drunk all your tea and used all the mugs. You will also be faced with challenges like how do I breastfeed when my partners dad is here?, I need to sit down sideways and the sofa is full. Why did we make ourselves so busy?

Oh I know, because you are in huge discomfort and this makes childcare impossible. No one warns you or discussed the discomfort following childbirth. I am certain this is because, what women in their right mind tells a person, without a baby about the devastation that was suffered down there, without embarrassment. (Me apparently)

Now I had an episiotomy – which basically means someone cutting you a bit wider and placing enough stitches down there even sitting or moving off the bed is uncomfortable. Over the proceeding weeks you will alternate between soreness, panic it will never be the same, crying to a male partner due to severe pain and a level of embarrassing itchiness that will result in you running the fastest sitz bath of your life. On a particularly bad day I found myself sitting on a microwaveable sloths face. Now trying to manage this pain whilst getting no sleep and being a primary carer is one of the hardest experiences of your life.

The midwife will discharge you whilst you are still healing and advise you to check it with a mirror regularly. The first time you go to do this, you will panic that it be be reminiscent of the corpse brides- the good news is it won’t. So eventually this pain will pass and when that time comes…

You will be offered a physiotherapy appointment. They will ask if you have managed kegel exercises- you will answer yes knowing full well you are meant to do them more. Then they will offer you a check down there. Now I don’t know about you but I was suddenly aware that no one has ever given a inspection with honest feedback of this area, meaning this could be a good opportunity. Now this is not something I am particularly proud that I used the NHS for but I left feeling extremely confident in myself.

Now all these things pass but the lesson I learnt is – always gift sitz bath salts, a pregnancy pillow, Ice packs and paracetamol at a baby shower.