Becoming a mum came with a lot of unspoken territory. This had led me to feel embarrassed, awkward or lost in worries I never prepared for. The second you become a mum, your needs come second and because of this no one covered the truth of post baby body recovery. So here I am again, to talk about the embarrassing and awkward moments with truly graphic honesty.
I’ll start by saying after seven months the majority of these areas are either improving or restored. However, it took nine months to grow him, so I’m still staring longingly at my size 10 jeans, a girl can dream. By staring, I mean getting them stuck on my thighs, every time someone compliments my weight loss.
I’ll start with being short and sweet about a few things that really surprised me.
1. It is possible to sneeze out a tampon for the first couple of months. You’ll never know if this has gone, because now you instinctively tighten when you sneeze.
2. Your feet have still not reduced enough to get into the beautiful stilettos you wore previously. Mixed evidence on if they ever will. (I’ll just pop them with the jeans.)
3. You will lose all that beautiful pregnancy hair, for some it will be clumps or patches. For me it was during having my hair coloured and washed. I’m not sure if it was me or the hairdresser that was more relieved when I wasn’t bald after the blow dry.
4. Any bearing down motion will result in a fart, these have the ability to rival both your babies and partners. I find maintaining a straight face, and continuing what you are doing until your partner stops looking, an effective coping tool, failing that blame them for their baby.
5. Now when your body needs a wee, it needs a wee. Which means if you find yourself somewhere without a toilet, you will just wet your pants (thanks M&S).
Due to the above I took the NHS up on its offer for a postpartum physio appointment. This was a completely unknown situation, so like visiting a nightclub toilet, I took my best friend. Unfortunately the appointment was to be held in a windowless clinic room, the size of a broom cupboard, so the bestie took my newborn outside.
The appointment started with simple reassuring questions, how frequently do you wet yourself? Are you able to use a tampon? Any issues controlling bowel movements and noises? As with any medical expert, I provided far too much information, for far too long a time, but she was reassuringly smiley. Shortly after I felt far more confident in the postpartum recovery process, basically spoiler alert, the five things are normal. But then the unexpected happened….
Would you be happy for me to check the area? You do not need to have this, or you can refer back in at a later time, if you would rather? The check was quickly described, I would have to kegal, whilst she played the role of a puppeteer. Now normally I would have declined this, but I was in a new mum sleep haze, confused as to if this is normal and then a simple thought hit me, I’ve never had a professional honest evaluation of this area – what an opportunity!!!
Two minutes later, I was legs akimbo, having a very thorough intimate examination, it was only at this point I suddenly panicked – “what if it’s not a good outcome?”. So I did what any self respecting woman would do, I found myself putting an unreasonable level of concentration and effort into this. I’ve never been renowned for excelling in exams, but my GCSEs would have been more impressive, had I focused this hard. So five minutes later I left with an exceeded expectations result and the Cheshire cats grin, I mean if your going to pass as exam the one where you won’t wet yourself forever, is the one that matters.
It was only a further five minutes later when my friend (mother of four), was asking me what the physio appointment was for? And advising me in shock she had never had this, did that smile get wiped off my face.
Oh sh!t! Was I meant to have declined the check?
Some intense googling and panic later, we discovered this is available for all mothers. You can even self refer.
Lesson learnt: we have all been through some serious body trauma. You will worry about the recovery and it will take time. If getting intimate with an NHS professional in a broom cupboard, is what you need for reassurance, don’t be embarrassed, there are others out there too.
Honestly surviving parenting 